The Roller Coaster Ride | May 8, 2020 👓
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There has been a roller coaster ride, that I avoided getting on. The emotional roller coaster ride that involves death.
I knew that eventually death was going to impact me - I didn’t think and sometimes cant believe it was my son Quinnton that would die before me.
I reflect on the days gone by and know that I have to use yesterday as the learning stones to step into tomorrow.
I grieve for my son everyday. Some days the grief is worse than others, this journey is everyday, I have to embrace it and manage it the best way I know how.
I was asked if I was embarrassed that suicide was the way Quinnton’s life ended: I am Not!
I will never deny my son, or the way he left this world. I will never be embarrassed to say my child was or is depressed. Suicide isn’t just my “thing”, it isn’t an aboriginal “thing,” or a minority “thing”.
Suicide touches everyone. Suicide knows no boundaries, no walks of life, no race, no creed, no colour, it does NOT discriminate. Suicide claims, Sons, Daughters, Mothers, Fathers Aunts, Uncles, Cousins and friends. So am I embarrassed - No.. I am devastated .. not embarrassed.
Someone asked me why I have been vocal about suicide:
If I don’t validate Suicide or the lives it attempts to take then I am part of the stigma.
I use to think that suicide was only a word, it only impacted others around us. Then Quinnton died by the act and it devastated me, and his entire family, it shattered the lives of his children. Quinnton’s four children are the ones that the death impacts the most. Their Daddy died by the act of suicide and how do they even try to comprehend the despicable act, or even how he got to the place where he felt suicide was his only choice to end the emotional pain.
I often think.. the could have, the should have, the would have, that is not my reality now. The reality now is to educate myself and those around me that we have to stop the stigma, we have to start talking and keep talking. We have to empower ourselves and our communities that there are answers to the tough questions, that we can communicate a message of hope.
Depression is an illness that we can not see and the act of suicide kills the pain, a different kind of pain is transferred over to the loved ones left behind. Depression claimed my son’s spirit, his act of suicide claimed his life, he gave himself permission to die and I hate that his life ended before mine. He wasn’t selfish as some may think - Quinnton was the opposite - he gave until he had nothing left to give!
I know that can look at pictures and see his face, or his voice on a video. I know I can look at that one moment frozen in time and reminisce. I know the greatest lesson I learned from my Quinnton’s death is; that his story isn’t over, and although he is never - ever coming back to this realm, I will love my child for all of eternity.
I now understand fully the concept of “ I will love you for all of eternity Mom” - I will love your forever and for always!