Here to Eternity | February 16, 2020🌹
Quinnton decided on that October day that he wanted to die, and nothing was going to stop him.
He was showing signs and speaking of his pending suicide, this frightened but a few people. My son knew death was forever and a lot of peoples’ lives would be devastated including mine. I remember him saying “You can do it – you will live though it – because you are My Mother”
"That is not what I want to do”..
his response - ”Mom it is what-what it is..”
His heart was shattered when we spoke, his world was turned upside down and he didn’t know how to fix it. He “wasn’t weak”, as some people called him, and that he wasn’t “too chicken to die” and that he “should quit looking for attention”, and “You are such a Goof, if you want to die – die already” – He said he wasn’t afraid to die because he had been there before, with the three brushes with death before October 2015.. and he really wasn’t afraid to “end it”. Quinnton couldn’t focus on anybody, he could only focus on what he was feeling, the feeling of hatred, loneliness and despair were overwhelming.
Some say to me “You should have done something to stop him, you are his mother” - I spoke to him many times before he died, as he lay in my arms crying like he never cried before. SO I would have done anything for him and he knew it, at that time what I had, I gave it all to him, I loved him unconditionally – drunk or sober, angry or calm..
When Quinnton died - he gave himself permission to die, he gave himself permission to love himself without the pain, hurt and anguish. I don't respect his action that brought death , but I respect his decision as It was his decision. It was my sons decision to die are words that do not fall easily, it is spoken with grief that is indescribable.
I don’t see his suicide, as some put it.. as “Selfish” I see it as Quinnton finally putting himself first. He wanted to be free of the hurt that he was feeling inside. He didn’t have to fight for no-one, he didn’t have to defend anyones’ honour, or protect anyone. At that time –He was doing for himself what no one could do for him. He was protecting himself, he was standing up for his honour.
So what I am feeling is the aftermath of his death. I love him the same – it’s a never ending type of love a mother has for her children. I wish this did not happen, and I am tied up in a whirlwind of emotions – this pain is so deep that it physically hurts. It feels as though my chest has a thousand daggers in it – at the end of the day I know this is my journey and I share it –this is how I am coping. This is my pain I accept it and yes, for today I will try to learn from it.
Not that I require validation, but as a public statement that I am not ashamed to say, I truly and deeply love my children, Jacob, Quinnton and Uland. This journey we are on is a long and winding road. Hold on to one another -and to my sons' four children that he left behind, from oldest to youngest Brianna, Colton, Quinnton Jr. & Azariah We will love you always and forever, we will share with you who your Daddy was, the type of person he was - we won't focussed on the negative actions of Quinnton, this didn't define who he was, but what he did.
We all know how much my Son Quinnton impacted the lives he touched, sometimes it was subtle and sometimes it bang on. He certainly left a gap to big for anyone to fill, #ToughEnough
We have family and friends that would move heaven and earth for us.. It is for us to reach out and be there for eachother. We need to continue to check on eachother - talk to one another. We need to talk about suicide, it is impacting so many families that we know.
Dont forget to say how you feel and validate those feelings , because tomorrow may never come.. We know this all to well, since tomorrow will not come for My son Quinnton.
With the constant love and support from my family, close and extended the days are not getting easier, they are manageable. #ManagingOneDayAtATime,
We can not stop suicide deaths we can't stop the depression, or trauma, or loneliness, or violence against people, by being quiet. As we move forward, and navigate the world around us, we can't do it alone (this I'm learning ) by being quiet. We do have to start talking, we have to keep talking, we have to be kind to ourselves before we are able to be kind to others. #StartTalking #KeepTalking
Missing my Son beyond words..
Loving him from here into etenity.. #HereToEternity